Pluto On My Mars

I’m getting to find out by experience what it’s like to have a Pluto transit. Yikes! Pluto, the planet of transformation, is conjunct my Mars, which is about anger, aggression, and also about the men in my life. These two powerhouses are opposite my Sun, which is the deepest essence of my personality. Did I say yikes!?

Pluto acts by bringing up the shadow, the parts of ourselves that we haven’t looked at yet. What I’ve noticed is that it is bringing up all the ways that I don’t love men. I’m making it very personal, too, projecting it onto Adam. I’m hyper-sensitive to the least little hint of him trying to control me. He has the lucky position of being the catalyst for all that is still unhealed in my relationship to men – giving myself away in order to please, according to my training.

I know that it has very little to do with him. I know that it will pass, and I will be more healed and more whole when it is done. I’ve spent a lot of the week in tears, despairing of ever being able to love anyone. It shifted last night. My heart softened and opened, and I got more perspective. I’m grateful for the respite. I’m also grateful for Adam’s equanimity in all this. He has been very loving through it. I am fortunate to be connected with him at this time.

Men Like to Give

One of the great things I learned in my time of doing sensual massage was how much men love to give. Even when the setup was that I was the one giving and they were receiving, they often gave to me anyway.

I remember one session with Jack. I had been seeing him about three years at that point. We often did fantasy sessions, where we each took on a character and played out some fantasy. I didn’t do this with anyone else, but his fantasies were similar to what mine were, so I enjoyed doing this with him.

One morning, we had an appointment and I knew that he would want to do something exciting. I was deep into menopause at the time, burned out on sex work, and overworked. As I thought about what we might do, I realized that I just didn’t have any juice in me to give to him.

When he arrived, I told him, “I am the priestess, and I give to many. Today the priestess is in need. I’d like your service. I’d like a deep massage, and then I’d like you to pleasure me.”

He agreed with delight. As we stood up to go to the massage table, he hugged me. I began to cry, and he said “Lean on me. Lean on me.”

After the tears were done, he proceeded to give me a great massage and then he did indeed pleasure me. After he brought me to orgasm, I asked what he would like. He told me, “Nothing. I’ve received so much already.”

Then he paid me my usual session fee, and left with a hug.