Feeling Marginalized

I awoke from a dream this morning where I was trying to find a place to see clients, and I was worried that I wouldn’t be accepted by the people who lived around the place that I was considering. Later this morning, I started wondering if the website that I am building to promote my book will be accepted – do I have to have an adult portal?

This is such a familiar theme. Even before I started doing sex work, when I taught Tantra workshops to groups, I was always aware that the owners of places that I rented for the workshops might disapprove. Indeed, we did get kicked out of one place when the owner walked in unexpectedly during a Tantric ritual! Everyone was scantily clad, and the women were dancing for the men at that moment. It didn’t go over well, and soon we had to leave.

Today I’m feeling the burden of being a marginalized member of this society. It’s part of the price of working on the edge, trying to create a change in the attitudes that people have about sexuality. Most of the time I can just let it go, but right now I feel tired of having the additional layer of considerations that most people don’t have.

It shows up in the most simple of situations. What’s the first thing that people ask you at a party? “What do you do?” For most people, it’s an easy answer. But for a sex worker, there is a moment of rapid calculation, deciding just how much to reveal to this person, wondering if they will recoil in horror.

I would like to create a world where, if I answered, “I am a sacred prostitute.” I would be honored for the good work that I do. Where people would understand and respect the deep value of sexual healing and sexual ecstasy.

Please take a moment to visualize this. The more we imagine it, the more it is real.

So be it!

Pluto On My Mars

I’m getting to find out by experience what it’s like to have a Pluto transit. Yikes! Pluto, the planet of transformation, is conjunct my Mars, which is about anger, aggression, and also about the men in my life. These two powerhouses are opposite my Sun, which is the deepest essence of my personality. Did I say yikes!?

Pluto acts by bringing up the shadow, the parts of ourselves that we haven’t looked at yet. What I’ve noticed is that it is bringing up all the ways that I don’t love men. I’m making it very personal, too, projecting it onto Adam. I’m hyper-sensitive to the least little hint of him trying to control me. He has the lucky position of being the catalyst for all that is still unhealed in my relationship to men – giving myself away in order to please, according to my training.

I know that it has very little to do with him. I know that it will pass, and I will be more healed and more whole when it is done. I’ve spent a lot of the week in tears, despairing of ever being able to love anyone. It shifted last night. My heart softened and opened, and I got more perspective. I’m grateful for the respite. I’m also grateful for Adam’s equanimity in all this. He has been very loving through it. I am fortunate to be connected with him at this time.

Transpersonal Sex

I have a very unusual relationship with Ted, one of my consorts. We only see each other occasionally. He is busy with raising a daughter on his own, and I have no desire to enter his life to any extent, or for him to enter mine. Both times we have connected, we began by sharing a light meal together and talking and reconnecting. We then entered my temple space and created ritual space. We asked that the energy from our connection be used to the highest good, whatever that may be.

In the context of that sacred space, we dropped into Tantric lovemaking. It had no agenda and no goal. Sometimes the energy was very passionate, sometimes very slow. We were both just present, allowing whatever was true for us at that moment to unfold.

I once read somewhere that we humans have the capability to act as lightening rods, bringing energy to the earth. I feel this often as Ted and I connect.

This is a beautiful manifestation of transpersonal sex – using the sexual energy as an act of worship, not as a way of creating a personal connection.

This is not to say that it is impersonal. I care for him and respect him deeply. But it feels like it is a connection not between the personalities but between our two souls, using our bodies as the vehicle.